Introduction: How to Raise a Moral Child

• Our motive is not to seek God’s favor but to respond to His love (1 Jn 4:10-11).
• Our moral mandate is to love God & to love others (Mk 12:28-31).
• Personalities differ but values & ethics are the same (Eccl 12:13).
• Training begins with the parents (Deut 6:4-7).
• Not only restrict bad behavior but elevate the good (Gal 5:16-25).
• Teach moral principles which underlie the moral actions (Pr 2:10-12).
• Avoid the extremes of authoritarianism & permissive parenting (Eccl 4:1).

• The husband-wife relationship was created for companionship (Gen 2:18-24).
• The husband-wife relationship is complete without children (Gen 1:26-31).
• Marriage, therefore, is the priority in a network of dependent relationships.
• In contrast, child centered parenting places children first.
• Couch time, date night, dinner guests are good ways to uphold this priority.

• Love is an identifying mark of being God’s child (Jn 13:35).
• The two sides of love are giving (action) & receiving (feeling).
• Identify the primary love languages of you, your spouse & children:

Words of encouragement (1 Cor 8:1, Eph 4:29, Mk 10:16)
Acts of service (1 Jn 3:18, Jn 13:5-17)
Gift giving (Eph 5:25, Jn 3:16)
Quality time (Mt 14:23, Lk 9:28-36)
Physical touch & closeness (Mk 10:13-16, Jn 13:23)

• Trust is the feeling of sustained confidence in a person, place or thing.
• Cultivate family identity through loyalty & excitement.
• Demonstrate love for your wife through your actions.
• Understand your child’s private world & enter “open windows.”
• Give your children the freedom to fail.
• Encourage your children through your words, smile & notes.
• Guard your tongue & tone especially during their moments of excitement.
• Routinely hug your child particularly during the early teen years.
• Build trust in God’s Word.

• Primary conscience is a sense of right, wrong & shame (Rom 1:18-21, 2:14-15).
• Moral conscience:

is a standard of right & wrong & the feeling of guilt (1 Sam 24:5)
warns, accuses, prompts & confirms (Acts 23:1)
is trainable (Ps 119:11, Deut 6:6-9)

• Parents must store up principles in the child’s “moral warehouse.”
• Self control must accompany moral knowledge for true morality.
• The “moral search mechanism“ will seek values to act upon in each situation.
• Training is both positive (middle & upper years) & prohibitive (early years).
• Prohibitive training includes warning, restriction & punishment.
• Positive training includes instruction, encouragement & reinforcement.
• Transition your training from fear of punishment to love of virtue.
• By age 3 to 4, you should be adding moral reasons to your instruction.
• Positive conscience says “I’ll do this or not do that because its right or wrong.”
• A prohibitive conscience is the ongoing state of potential guilt.
• Overcome a prohibitive conscience by focusing on Jesus & positive virtues.

• Our character reflects our inward morality.
• The primary focus of parenting is to define God to our children.
• By our behavior we help define God to the world (Mt 5:16).
• consider six relationships in character training:

authority
parents
elders
peers & siblings
property of others
nature

• Submission is an attitude that authority is divinely appointed over us.
• Parents are God’s governors over children’s souls (Ex 20:12).
• Parents should not allow children to mock authority.
• Transition from leading by authority to relational influence once older.
• When a child marries a new authority structure is created.
• Obedience & submission to parents are not required, but honor is.
• Adult children should honor their parents either out of devotion or duty.

• Reverence to the old is linked to reverence to God (Lev 19:32).
• To interrupt, have your child rest their hand on you until there is a pause.
• In doing so they honor others & gain patience & trust that their need will be met.
• When greeted by another, even a shy child must respond minimally with a “Hi.”
• If they refuse, tell the person “We are working on that” & deal with it at home.
• The young & old are equal in God’s eyes but not in responsibility & experience.
• Using the titles Mr. & Mrs. a child acknowledges their position & experience.

• Esteem others more highly than yourself (Phil 2:3).
• Encourage your child to celebrate the achievements of their siblings.
• Remind siblings that they are each other’s best friends.
• A child can go beyond controlling bad behavior & be sensitive to others.
• Doing family-care chores helps them grow sensitive to human need.
• A child’s unique gifts can be used to buildup & edify other children.
• Since “life is not fair,” build thankfulness so your child can learn contentment.
• God ultimately owns (Ps 89:11) & we are responsible for property (Mt 25:14-30).
• When children are young, start training the respect for property.
• Respecting owners removes conditional respect of the seemingly less valuable.
• Also respect other’s dominion of time, space, rights, & privileges.
• Respect nature because God created it & we are responsible for it.
• Respect for nature also includes respecting those coming behind us (liter).
• An aesthetic moral element keeps us from littering biodegradable things.

• Obedience to parents pleases the Lord ( Col 3:20).
• Honoring parents brings long term blessing (Ex 20:12).
• Obedience is to be immediate, complete, without challenge & without complaint.
• Parents undermine obedience by threatening, repeating, bribing & negotiating.
• Rather than rewarding, affirm the child with either a hug or an encouraging word.
• Principles of instruction:

Expect an immediate & complete response
Never give a command unless you intend for it to be obeyed
Help the child emotionally prepare by giving a five minute warning (Col 3:21)
Teach children to look for the door of escape when tempted to sin (1 Cor 10:13)
Do not sin by reinforcing their disobedience by doing nothing about it
Require eye contact when giving face-to-face instruction
A child‘s “yes, Mom” verbal response commits them to obedience

• There are four levels of initiative:

Self-generated initiative - without prompting, the child obeys with a good attitude
Prompted initiative - with prompting, the child obeys with a good attitude
Forced initiative - with prompting, the child obeys with a poor attitude
Suppressed initiative - with prompting, the child disobeys with a poor attitude

• Discipline (from disciple) is an ongoing relationship with a mentor & student.
• Proverbs 1:2-7 says an objective of life is to know wisdom & instruction.
• Proverbs 22:6 says to train a child & when he is old he will not depart from it.
• The Discipline Flow Chart shows the many elements of instruction including:

Skills, talents, giftedness (non-moral) versus behavior (moral)
Encouragement & correction
Identifying accidental versus intentional behavior (rebellion)
Identifying the level of offence intentional behavior
Determining the appropriate response - the punishment must fit the offence

• Rebellion may be active, direct, willful defiance or more passive & indirect:

The haughty look
Pleading ignorance
Pretending not to hear or remember
Doing something good or cute

• Consider the following when correcting:

The frequency of the offense
The context of the moment
The child's age
The overall characterization of behavior

• Identify how a wrong behavior fits into the 3 levels of offence.
• A reflective timeout can be used as a:

Preventative strategy to control physical or emotional energy
Maintenance strategy to help a child realign their thinking
Corrective strategy to help bring the child to repentance & restoration

• Timeouts, as culturally practiced, are not effective for repeated offences:

The child typically associates sitting with parental frustration not the wrong doing
They learn that the cost of disobedience is valued only at 5 minutes of sitting

• Pain was a gift from God at creation to curb injury, it was not a result of the fall.
• After the fall, pain also came from the natural consequences of disobedience.
• When pain does not come naturally, there should be structured consequences.
• Structured consequences: logical consequences, isolation or chastisement.
• The debate over spanking is one battle in a larger cultural war over ethics.
• Ironically, as society departs from corporal punishment, it becomes more violent.
• Chastisement is the price paid to remove the child’s guilt.
• If lesser methods are solely used, a child suppresses guilt & grows hyperactive.
• While the Bible does not command chastisement, it commends it:

As God disciplines in love & we should discipline out of love (Heb 12:3-10)
While discipline is painful, it yields good character (Heb 12:11)
Chastise a child or they will have more severe natural consequences (Pr 23:14)
So a parent who withholds chastisement, actually hates the child (Pr 13:24)
A child without chastisement will in turn bring shame to their parents (Pr 29:15)
Chastisement must start early before it is too late (Pr 19:18)
Chastisement does not stifle genius or creativity, it gives wisdom (Pr 29:15)
The child will not hate you, but rather bring you comfort & delight (Pr 29:17)
Chastisement does not teach violence but ultimately peacefulness (Heb 12:11)

• Guidelines for chastisement:

It should be a private matter between parent & child
Establish the child’s guilt & have him accept responsibility
Do not exceed physical limits to injure (Pr 19:18) such as spanking on bare skin
Use a neutral object (Pr 23:13) with some flex yet enough weight to bring pain
Afterward, you may talk & pray, let them think about it alone or consider it closed
75 to 80 percent of all chastisement should be complete by 5 years of age

• Judges has a cycle of separation, regret, repentance, forgiveness & restoration.
• Regret over one’s actions differs from repentance & is a lesser virtue.
• Repentance focuses on how one’s sin affects the relationship (2 Cor 7:9-10).
• Love of the relationship puts the offence in context & drives repentance.
• Repentance means confessing our sin & turning back to God.
• Toddlers regret because of consequences, but older children learn to repent.
• The offender should confess when asking forgiveness to the offended.
• Forgiveness is a 3 step agreement: the request, the offer, & the acceptance.
• “I’m sorry” is used in the lesser case of unintentional mistakes.
• If a child confesses before getting caught, punishment must still be carried out.
• Restitution is required if there is loss or damage in the offence.
• Restoration may not happen immediately, it may take a few minutes of reflection.
• Young children want to hug & older children demonstrate with attitude & action.

• Learning is progressive, building new concepts on top of more basic ones.
• Actions proceed beliefs with children, they can act morally before knowing why.
• As the child grows, freedoms are earned as responsibilities are demonstrated.
• The following diagram illustrates the increase of freedom with responsibility:

 

 
• Between two extremes is a balanced approach to parenting:

Lenient: Freedoms greater than self control = developmental confusion
Strict:  Freedoms less than self control = developmental frustration
Balanced: Freedoms equal to self control = developmental harmony

• Permissive parenting can end in the child's enslavement to their passions.
• Allowing too many freedoms too early pushes the child “outside the funnel.”
• A child addicted to choice does not emotionally cope when there are no choices.
• A child may wrongly see themselves as wise & self sufficient (Pr 26:4-5, 12).
• Authoritarian parenting can end in abusive co-dependent relationships.
• The parent must assess the child's self control to determine the level of freedom.
• Going from restraint to freedom is easier than too much freedom to restraint.
• Set appropriate boundaries & allow restraint to give way to freedom.
• Have children ask permission rather than inform you of their decision.

• Whining may be a subtle challenge to authority to protest or frustrate parents.
• Prior to 15 months, whining indicates limited vocabulary.
• At 8 months teach sign language for more, please, thank you & all done.
• With older children, have them ask again after 3-5 minutes on the stove timer.
• A temper tantrum is a rejection of authority (Pr 25:28) for blackmail or revenge.
• Under 2 1/2 years, walk away or isolate them, then chastise them afterwards.
• A frustration tantrum is when a child cannot physically do something.
• During frustration tantrums make yourself available but insist they ask for help.
• Diffuse power struggles with wisdom parenting not power parenting.
• Isolate them to diffuse it or leave the room so they can surrender with dignity.
• Both authoritarian & permissive parents raise children prone to dishonesty.
• Lying destroys the bridge of trust linking each family member together.
• Consider their motive for lying & if you may be indirectly causing the dishonesty.
• A chronic lying older child is consumed with self interest & cannot rightly relate.
• Stealing within the family shames the child, but from others, it shames the family.
• Stealing another’s reputation by slanderous gossip cannot be restored.
• Often learned from parents, cheating effects self & ultimately others (Pr 11:1).
• Sibling rivalry is when a child perceives they are not loved.
• Sibling conflict is a relational & moral weakness that needs to be strengthened:

have them first try to resolve their own conflicts before coming to the parents
have a no tattling rule except when health or safety is involved
be verbally & physically kind: no hitting, pushing or bad talk (Rom 12:17)
have them esteem each other by listening, sharing, praying, being courteous
teach them to love sacrificially as they will their spouse one day (Jn 15:13)

• Both authoritarian & permissive parents have difficulty with the appeal process.
• To appeal to authority acknowledges another’s position over you.
• To hear an appeal is to accept one’s limited knowledge of the situation.
• Appealing gives new information that helps a parent make an informed decision.
• Daniel (Dan 1:8-16), Paul (Acts 25:11) & Jesus (Mk 14:32-42) all appealed.
• Appealing to authority glorifies God & has many other benefits:

makes obedience attractive because parents are approachable
reduces the risk of the child becoming emotionally exasperated
prepares the child to interact correctly with all authorities & relationships
allows the parent to change their mind without compromising authority
develops trust: that the child has new information & the parent will be fair
helps the transition from obedience out of duty to submitting out of devotion
reduces the difficulties associated with two authorities giving instructions

• Guidelines for appealing to authority:

the child is already characterized by first time obedience
the appeal can only be made to the parent giving the instructions
the child must come in humility not argumentative or disrespectful
appeals can be made only once to prevent it from reducing to begging
by using the words “may I appeal” the child acknowledges your authority
appealing is not a way to avoid obedience or state preferences
the parent must be fair & flexible giving good reason for their yes or no
take the privilege away temporarily if the child starts to appeal everything

• Interdependent family relationships confront problems & seek restoration.
• Co-dependent family relationships cover up problems out of insecurity.
• The interdependent family fosters protection, security & a “we-ism” attitude.
• The independent family fosters alienation & a “me-ism” attitude.
• Opportunities outside the home compete with family interdependence.
• Children from interdependent families look for similar relationships in later years.
• Peer pressure on a child is only as strong as family identity is weak.
• Strategies for building family identity & interdependence:

read after dinner to build memories of togetherness
have the kids plan family night to take ownership of the family
take walks together to help family members reflect, open up & share

• Develop community, a society of families tied together with sharing interests.
• Shared values between community & home result in positive peer pressure.
• Larger gaps between community & family make for greater conflict at home.
• Do not isolate from nonbelievers but be a light to them (Mt 5:13-14).
• Like Jesus did, let discipleship culminate in friendship (Jn 15:14):

Discipline (1-5 years) - develop boundaries to give way to freedoms
Training (6--12 years) - drills & exercises in practice sessions of life
Coaching (13-17 years) - from the sidelines coach children in the game of life
Friendship - parent/child relationship remains & a new season of life is entered

• Strive for excellence not mediocrity to glorify God in all things (1 Cor 10:31).
• A child distinguishes him or herself by a their deeds (Pr 20:11).