Lenient & Strict Parenting

February 25, 1999

Balanced Authority in Parenting

Parenting is similar to other relationships in how the fall has affected it.
Since the fall, authority has swung to the oppressive right & the rebellious left.
Figure: "Three Stages of Leadership."
God desires authority in relationships & for it to be carried out in love.
This establishes the basis for parenting which is neither strict nor lenient.
Parental discipline is similar to God's discipline and always balanced with mercy.
Figure: "Faithfulness, Justice & Mercy in God & Humanity."
Well balanced parenting seeks to reflect leadership & discipline in God's image.

Freedom & Responsibility of the Child

In Genesis we see that freedom of choice is intimately tied with responsibility.
Figure: "The Roots of Meaning."
Good parenting seeks to develop freedom & responsibility in the child.
As the child grows, freedoms are earned as responsibilities are demonstrated.
The following diagram illustrates the increase of freedom with responsibility:

Parenting Within the Funnel

Between two extremes is a balanced approach to parenting:

Lenient:
Strict:
Balanced:

Freedoms greater than self control = developmental confusion
Freedoms less than self control = developmental frustration
Freedoms equal to self control = developmental harmony

Overly lenient parenting can end in the child's enslavement to their passions.
Overly strict parenting can end in abusive co-dependent relationships.
The parent must assess the child's self control to determine the level of freedom.

Self Control: A Base Virtue

The Bible upholds the virtue of self control (Pr 29:11, Gal 5:22-23).
Self control is fundamental to upholding the ten commandments.
Figure: "Insight into the Ten Commandments."
Self control affects speach (Pr 13:3), actions (Pr 14:29) & emotions (Pr 25:28).
As suggested by the three types of parenting above, self control is a base virtue.
In support of this, we know that with children, actions proceed beliefs.
One can train to keep food out of their hair before a child can be taught why.
In this instance, self control is more basic than the cleanliness it produces.
Ultimately, self control influences gentleness, speech, focusing, sitting skills, etc.

Moral Training

Developing self control in non-moral areas builds the underpinnings of morality.
The self control learned as a baby will undergird moral behavior in later years.
Furthermore, obedience to parents upholds the moral of the fifth commandment.
From the earliest stages, parents can develop elements of morality in their child.
This will in turn positively influence development in other non-moral areas.
For example, skill & academic development will be fostered by focusing skills.